Tinder me Up! Tinder advice for the mormon male. Part one constructing your profile

If you have a smart phone I know you have heard about the dating app tinder...... go look it up. I'm not an elementary school teacher so I won't be teaching you the basics of this app. I however will break down some ways you can score a ridiculous amount of dates/ncmo on this site.

Getting your profile together

On tinder you have about one second to make a good impression with hot women. This means you have to do a few things immediately. 

• Identify yourself- If a girls photo pops up on tinder and has more than one girl.... I always assume the girl is the ugly one. So I click no fast. Make sure you and only you are in the photo. If she can't identify...she will deny. I suggest you go with 3 types of first photo's 

1. What a normal nice guy- This is usually a picture of you looking nice, smiling, and doing something normal. Try to stay away form the mirror self portraits. Also stay away form photo's where your significantly different than your current body. 
2. OMFG thats hilarious- if you have a picture of you in an outfit or something that literally makes people launch a snot rocket from laughing then indeed you can put this photo up. however you probably will get the "attractive nice empty headed fun loving girl". With these photo's (note these chicks are so easy to score with.) 
3. You with women- Note this has to be done right. If women see's this photo and can identify that you are clearly in the friend zone with all of these chicks you know darn right she will automatically mark the "pussy" box in her mind and pass you. Make sure you and these women are out having fun. Also note these women need to be attractive. I know fat women are far more pleasant and less bitches than their hotter companions. (if you were out to get fatties lets face it you would never be on this site. Men who like fat women rate living in a golden age that the world has never seen.) 

• Mutual "likes"- On tinder two things pop up, mutual friends, and shared likes. The biggest thing is to establish commonality. "oh my gosh we both like running and taylor swift!" (I personally do not recommend liking taylor swift you will be labeled a pussy.) I do recommend two simple ways to use common likes to score dates. 

1. Go out and like as many things as you can- This is a simple strategy....... Yet deadly. When that girl pulls up the results and says "OMG he likes that also!" Commonality that magic word will score you more conversations, more intrest, and more dates. Now some of you nay sayers out their are saying "But what if they wanna talk about something I know nothing about. I have some simple answers. Tell women that you must have liked that on accident. Or........ you just get on this one website I use sometime www.google.com and do some freaking research you lazy broseph!
2. Talk about things people love- If you both love the goo goo dolls then of course you both will naturally start to like each other once you discuss the goo goo dolls! However dont approach it like an idiot! Say me and said girl both have a mutual like for switchfoot. I wont approach her and say

chump: "Hey do you like switchfoot?"

her: "yes"

chump: "Ummm thats awesome! I really like them also!"

her: "(no response)"

How you should ask about mutual likes.





me: "Switchfoot fan eh? You think the last album was on par with Hello Hurricane?"

her: "I actually havn't heard the last album, I was a huge switchfoot fan back in highschool. Sadly I am behind on whats happeinging with the band!

me: "Not a hardcore fan eh...... Hmm I guess i can overlook this, but only casue your so cute ;) You actually look like one of the women in (insert switchfoot music video link) Why the heck are you on tinder? you must have boys lined up to hit on you like fat kids in line for the icecream truck!

I will touch on more methods/strategies in the next tinder segment. UNTIL THEN.......

Dr. NCMO Love master Jay.

Mormon Valentines Dates

First off.................... This is a mens guide................


This post is in 3 parts

1.) Dates
2.) Movies for your date.
3.) What you should be doing this day.

Awesome hopefully all the women have moved onto some article on "the does and don'ts of today" and "How to not seem like a slut in these latter days".

Sick Ass V-Day Dates

5.) Go volunteer at a boys home- This date is oh so epic if you can set it up. First off you come off as a super sensitive caring guy. Then your also going around a group of the "bad kids boy scouts " I love this date mainly because 

• When you walk in to volunteer with a hot girl into a boys home, these boys will view you as a "Brad Pitt" and your girl as "Angelina Jolie". Your confidence and testosterone will literally shoot through the roof. Making you both feel awesome and make you kill with whoever you took on a date. 
• If this girl obviously can't handle being around any "large groups of young boys" she obviously won't be able to handle my children. (what you think that there is any remote possibility of me having girls?) 
• I like to love people that can love other people, this is the audition
• Helping out kids is great

4.) Watch movie

• (see below) 

3.) Sporting event

• Games are fun, dates are fun. Did i mention that places go ape crazy with the kiss me cam on valentines day? 
• If she is to uppity to go see a game...... you will obviously not get away with jack shiz if you get married
• Meet her halfway if needs be and wear "matching outfits". (note if this is a pity date do NOT! go for the matching outfits at all.)

2.) Pawn Shops

• Look at guns
• Look at power tools
• Most pawn shops will allow you to choose a movie and plug it in. (your watching a film on 13 tv's at the same time in a pawn shop?....EPIC) 
• look at all the weird jewelry with her and pretend your shopping for wedding rings. 
• Soooo many opportunities at the pawn shop. You could even bring something in and pawn it.  

1.) Make Valentines for other people/Make fake valentines for old couples. 

So basically meet up with your date and help her make valentines for her "single friends" "fat friends" "Relatives". This is great because much like december 25th It is greater to give than t o rec ieve. 

• For a fake valentines blast......... 
• Make valentines to people from their exes........ deliver to both sides........watch dreams collapse and tears develop. 
• This is by far the meanest most epic form of a prank you can do in mormon culture. 

Movie select ion

If your going for a chick flick remember

• If you think its funny......not a chick flick
• If it has won any a c ademy awards.........not a chick flick
• If it has to mu ch violence....not a chick flick

Here are some go o d m o net mo vie s f o r Valentines day. 

1. Meet Joe black- Brad P itt, chick flick, 3 hours. Yet this movie is so long and bo ring.....even she will get bored...... guess who ends up getting a g u aranteed make out? you son.....you (hence a group date this is a the WORST movie c ho i ce !)
2. Anything Mathew Mcconaughey- Women think he's hot, guys think he is funny. The only man who can make unisex humor in a chick flick. 
3. Any film made before 19 60's- Why i say this is ............ those films will always be under hour and a half long (Minus Gone with the wind). 
4. "Safety Not guaranteed"- Its on netflix, its R but only for 5 "EFF BOMBS!" lets see how "chill" your girl truly is. 

Good luck all and happy hunting! 

DR NCMO Love Mas ter Jay! 

SO....Your hot....And Nice.....SO WHAT!

Recently I was on a date with a very good looking female. Things were going along great. Lots of laughing, fun, smiling, (she kept grabbing my arms and conveniently touching me). As my famous friend Derrick Z. would state "dude she was digging my can". Although it was an enjoyable experience between the "Wow you have worked a lot of different jobs!", "I like your shoes" and " Wow your really smart!" I kept asking myself these questions.

What the Heck do you BRING TO THE TABLE!?!?!?

  Now before  you go off and call me a chauvinistic pig that would happily bring back polygamy to the Mormon church in order to subjugate the LDS female population hear me out. .....  What makes an LDS girl a 10, or an ideal candidate. here are your bread and butter statements you will get from LDS males. 

• Hot
• Funny
• Smart
• Strong testimony

To all of these statements I SCREAM OUT!!! "SO WHAT?" Why have we in the LDS dating culture have we communicated to women that all they must do to be an ideal candidate is to have a hot body, good smile, not be a total bitch, and show up regularly to church. WHY WHY WHY! Let us as males phase out this fallacy of thought! Just because you attend church, are cute does not make you a ten honey. Here are some overlooked qualities all real men should look for in women.

1. Independence- Nothing is a bigger turn off for a guy than a girl who relies on mommy and daddy for absolutely everything. How can a girl who leaves college every other week to go on "Daddy daughter dates" with her father be ready for a serious relationship? Let alone marriage? I'm sorry your daddy will not be involved in every major decision of your future marriage lady..... And if he is............ he can help ya with the divorce toots. 
2. Motivated-Goodness if I ever meet a girl applying to law school, Med school, or any other non English or educated related masters program I might just have to kiss the lady on the mouth. Sadly I think a lot of women in this church are more motivated to "Have an Amazing Wedding", "An adorable family" or "The best Pinetrist/Facebook/Myspace profiles/pics in all the land". All litle boys and girls grow up knowing that someday they want to have children. What else? Have a Damn dream! I love women with passion, energy, motivated. 
3. Poor-"What!" you say. Yes I did. Nothing turns me on more than seeing a super hot 20 year old chick driving a piece of SH%(T car past me on the freeway. I won't look up the qoute but marry economically where you were raised. A poor girl that never grew up with the speed boat, and park city vacations is far more likely to share that one bedroom apartment in the hood while you start up your business/chase your dream. A woman that "refuses" to eat red beans and rice, or thinks "oatmeal is disgusting i will never eat it" will raise your children the same way. I love me a poor girl. Usually poor women are more motivated also...... damn i love poor girls. 
4. Free Thinker-It's sad when i meet girls who have straight A's, yet they make statements such as "I just listen to whatever is on the radio for music". "I will make 46,678 dollars a year once I graduate because that's what the stats say...... I introduced the topic of centralized banking into my date with said girl above, she got lost..... really lost. Does she love to read? Learn? Improve herself? Does she actually study the gospel? Original thought sadly is dying in america. Still find a woman who can think. 
5. Non Retarded Friends- Im sorry if you cant stand any of her friends............. dump her. She undoubtedly shares many same tastes, attitudes, and likes/mannerisms as her "crew". If it is like pulling nails when you do something with them, dump her. All women who i have hated their "crew" ended up being like them in the end! I was just blinded by "love". 

I could go on and on...............NAH. BTW I appreciate the fact that we have passed 5,000 hits! keep the word out! Date ideas coming up in the next post.

 Go find yourself some loving..................... Or a Woman...........Just find somethin..........

Dr NCMO Love Master Jay

The Thrill of the Kill

As hunting season draws to a close. I had to stop and think to myself of the similarities between going out and bagging a trophy buck.... And landing the digits to some smart, attractive, curvaceous young woman! It's made me think about a few simple things.

1.) Preparation- If you have not gotten into the right mood. Done your homework, worked on body language..... you are n ot going to have as high of a kill ratio as someone else.

2.) Gluttony- As i was discussing with my bishop (much to my detractors delight). I was refereed to as a "womanizer" only in the fact that sometimes i overvalue the physical aspects of my prospects. It's important for us while hunting to not "metaphorically"  gun down 10 differn't girls only to not be able to give proper attention to any of them!

3.) Hunting Buddy- while hunting you might never run into/see any deer at all. Does that make it a wasted trip? HELL NO! Why? because hunting is about going out with your friends and having fun! If you see some deer and shoot them that's great!If you dont however its not a failed day but in fact still a great trip! Thats the type of attitude that you have to have out there while "hunting".

Now i have a gorgeous doe to decide on what to do on our date tonight

yours always

Dr. Ncmo Love Master Jay

Safety net.... And sloppy seconds.

first off get off my blog if you are

1. A woman
2. Some recent RM who thinks they "deserve" a girl automatically because you served a mission.
3. A fat chick
4. Some embittered female who just got dumped, and wish to crucify the lds males who make up your current "dating pool"

Ok now that all of those people have streaked down to the bottom of the page to write some 500 word comment that i wont read lets get back to the real dating advice.

Safe? what is safe? As a male we cant really understand some of the fear that most women live in. I've met girls who wont walk outside in the dark, tripple lock all doors, and tremble just at the sight of hichhikers on the highway for fear that they will "rape them". Now this would be very easy fro me to sit and make fun of these women but i wont. So here are some simple ways to make women feel more comfortable.

• When meeting them meet them at a public place.
• Always give them an opportunity to bow out if its uncomfortable.
• Invite them to bring a friend.
• Don't be creepy............... no creepy texts...........
• Be funny

Basically meet them in a situation where they feel SAFE! This is just a simple tip especially when your picking up women on the street also. My second thought here is an odd one

SLOPPY SECONDS...............

This is a horrible term that i despise. One reason we should throw out this term is

1. Everyone is some one's sloppy seconds (unless the person has never dated anyone else in their lives, which caries an even more negative connotation.)
2. How many times have you met someone and you see that their roommate is also very appealing. Why can't you date both? oh yeah the term "sloppy seconds" is blocking you.
3. "sloppy seconds" is awesome. Remember when you were a kid scrounging around the fridge at 3 am looking for those left over ribs......... those things tasted awesome second time round.
4. You already know the girl, your friend can coach you up (what she likes dislikes etc etc.)
5. Odds are you already have the girls number.

I recently set up my brother with one of my exes. ( i know i know, perhaps this is not ethical we will discuss later.) I also have been taking out one of my friends old girl friends. Both relationships for both my brother and I are going along excellent. not only that, i have a dating coach to ask questions. So i'd like to challenge all my male readership to hook up one of your buddies with one of your exes. Also try and get your buddies to hook you up with one of their exes. Maybe we can get some type of weird exchange going on right now eh!!!

Date yourself........"Treat yo Self"

People love people who love themselves. No this does not mean you think "I, and I alone am the greatest man in the universe! NOOOOO!!!!!!! watch the below clip and we will continue 

TREAT YO SELF! It baffles my mind that guys will take a woman out to eat chinese food, yet never take themselves out to eat. I want you to take yourself out on a date. Many of you are RM's fresh off the mission and having some quality alone time with yourself is a priority. Plus think of it logically 

"If i can have a good time hanging out with myself.................I must think hanging out with myself is fun. 

If I'm fun............... then others must want to hang out with me................... If others want to hang out with me more people will be around me............according to my calculations 50% of all "people" are females. SOOOO by more "people" hanging out with you your chances of interacting with more females rises by 50%!!!! 

Many of you are laughing at this. However if you start loving yourself, and are passionate about who you are people are going to sense it. The next clip demonstrates that is you say something, and believe in something then other people will see it. Mr Haderford from Parks and Rec should be labeled a loon, or eccentric......and perhaps thats true. HOWEVER! He believes that what he is doing is awesome and it makes me think its awesome. Watch how him being ridiculous is hilarious and interesting. There is a deep confidence that he has behind what he is saying. 

Now Mr. Haderford does not have the best approaches towards women. I will say this all the women know that he is indeed hitting on them. So your homework for today is this. 

HW #1 TREAT YO SELF- to a dinner a walk a sandwich a man date i do not care. Go out all by yourself and have fun. Find ten things you like about yourself and compliment yourself. 

HW#2 Think about what your passionate about. I don't care if its world of warcraft as long as you love it and you are passionate about it. Now go out and discuss that topic with someone. You will find that most people will pay attention and see that you really care about that topic. you will notice people are interested in people who are interesting. I once had a shop teacher that was obsessed with collecting pencils. PENCILS! but honestly every kid in that class looked for rare pencils after that and started buying higher quality pencils because my shop teacher was....... PASSIONATE ABOUT IT! People love people who love things. NOT HATERS! So go out and discuss your passion with someone!

Till tomorrow DR. NCMO LOVEMASTER JAY

Another Reason to ditch female "friends"

I have been taking ALOT of heat from women for my last post on "dumping female friends". I standby what I said. However i want to tell you guys a story of what happened to me last night. I was making out with a girl in my vehicle, and also quizzing her down on her male friends. here is how the conversation went.
BOLD = her 
regular=me
"So how many guy friends do you have?"

"Ummmm Like five."

"Do any of those guys like you?"

"Yeah like all of them"


"So if you wanted to you could makeup with any of those guys?"

"Yes" 


"Wow so you just use them to hang out when your bored or what?"

"Like when I'm bored or wanna go out and have fun, or need help with homework or my car"


"So you would never makeup with any of them?"

"Umm maybe if i was sad and just broke up with someone." 


"Would you still hang out with them if you had a serious boyfriend? Would you be jealous if they were hanging out with other girls?"

"Duh! And i wouldn't hang out with them anymore if i had a serious boyfriend." 


I then asked her if we could ever be friends? She said yes, "friends with benefits". So i will clarify if you have a "friend with benefits" by all means keep her. But if you like your female friend and she don't like you? Disapear out of her life for awhile, go date other girls. If you still like her after a few months then call her up, and make your intentions very clear that you like her.

Well guys i have a really hot blonde making eye contact with me in the computer lab so I'm gonna jet PEACE!

P.s Homework for today. I want you to cut your hair lift some weights drink some grape juice. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself......and confident. Then I want you to walk around town thinking how cool you are. However DO NOT walk around thinking "I'm cool and these people are losers". You think Harrison Ford walks up and down a street thinking to himself "I am so much cooler than that guy, I am so much richer than that guy" NO NO NO! Basically i want you to put yourself in a state where you feel good. Walk around and notice the difference.

p.s.s If your female and reading this................. don't be bitter and angry and write hate comments. A player is someone who lies, when i pick up women i do not lie.

Happy hunting

Dr. NCMO Love Master Jay